My First ABC of Parenting

I returned to something I wrote nearly two years ago. Some things remain true. Some, thankfully, are less pertinent. Some have been replaced by exciting new worries...

My First ABC of Parenting

A is for anxiety, allergies, and anxiety about allergies.

B is for bath-and-bedtime, breastfeeding, babysitters and bribery (see also “s” for snacks).

C is for cake (allergen-free), CBeebies, Calpol and carseats.

D is for “Don’t lick the radiator/window/fence!”, “Don’t ride the baby!” Also, doctors’ waiting rooms and Disney (see also “f” for films).

E is for eating the children’s selection boxes/Easter eggs. How long can this go on for?

F is for films. And failure.

G is for Grandparents.

H is for how long does it take a two year old to put on gloves/shoes/come down the stairs when you’re late for nursery?

I is for immunisations.

J is for JOY.

K is for kisses that involve more teeth and saliva than you had ever previously experienced.

L is for love that is wilder, more overwhelming, exhausting and terrifying than you had ever imagined. Also, laughter. Also, labour.

M is for missing them when they are asleep.

N is for naptime. And nappies. Nappies. Nappies.

O is for other parents. And opinions. Other parents’ opinions. Opinions about other parents. Also, the discovery that small people also have opinions, in abundance, from a very early age.

P is for pasta. Also potty training, and parent-and-child parking spaces.

Q is for questions. One of the best things about two year olds. One of the worst things about health visitors.

R is for risk assessments. You have just become your own health and safety officer.

S is for snacks (your new magic word). Also, sitting in the car on the driveway/in a KFC carpark/during church because they fell asleep 30 seconds before you switched the engine off.

T is for TV boxsets, binge-watching of; trying not to stand on the squeaky floorboards; trying to fit two toddlers into a supermarket trolley. And terror.

U is for university fees. Do we start saving now?

V is for vomit.

W is for WHAT are you doing? WHERE do you think you’re putting that? WHY? Also, Wotsits.

X is for x-rays, because A & E is the most fun place to be with a toddler on a Friday night.

Z is for zebra, because it’s important that pre-schoolers living in the North of England can correctly identify their African wild animals.